It's Christmas Time Again

Christmas is here once again, but I just can't find my spirit this year. It's getting more difficult each day to put smile and act as though I'm alright. I wake up, I cry. In the middle of the day for no apparent reason, I cry. I lay down at night, I cry. I am missing so much in my life and there's nothing I can do to get it back. I just want one more Christmas hug from my Mom. Twenty plus years later and it STILL gets the best of me at times. I guess that's because a mother's love never dies, it just comes from Heaven.
So many loved ones in heaven, but it's my mom I miss the most today. I'm so tired of people saying that I'll get over it with time. Losing her is something I will NEVER get over. So many unresolved issues, so much left unsaid and undone, so much I wish I would have listened to, but I had dealt with so much already. I was already lonely because I knew I was losing her too. No, I can't go back in time and change anything. No, nothing I can do will bring back those lost moments we should have had together. I know all of this. This year it's just tearing me up something awful for some reason and I have absolutely no idea why.
If I could have just one hour with my Mom for Christmas, there is so much I would say and do. I would hug her and tell her how much I love her. I would show her pictures of and tell get all about her grandsons which she never got to meet. I would thank her for all she ever did for me. I would give her the best gift I could find.
My children know why Mommy gets sad this time of year and they do their best to make me smile. I love them for being the caring boys they have become, even after all they have been through. I know that my Mom had been with me, feeling me guide them in the right direction. I can't thank her enough for that.
MERRY CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, MOM! I LOVE YOU💖

Grandma’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

Great for holidays, special occasions, or just because. We almost always had a batch of these made. I remember being in the kitchen with my mom and grandma baking these. The memories are so vivid I can smell them baking as I write this. Enjoy with a glass of cold milk or mug of hot chocolate while you make memories that will last a lifetime.

Ingredients:

2 ¼ Cups all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

2 sticks butter or margarine, softened

¾ cup granulated sugar

¾ cup brown sugar, packed

1 tsp. vanilla extract

2 large eggs

2 cups chocolate chips

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Mix flour, baking soda and salt together with fork.

In separate bowl, beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and vanilla until creamy.

Add eggs, beat well.

Gradually add flour mixture.

Fold in chocolate chips.

      Drop by teaspoonful onto ungreased baking sheet.

      Bake 9-11 minutes until golden brown.

      Cool on wire rack.

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Better Days Ahead

There are days where I don’t want to leave the house because I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I endured years of being belittled by someone that claimed to love me, being used as his personal punching bag (literally), and being threatened that anything I ever tried to do to better myself he would be there to tear me apart. I let not one man get away with this, but two, the second being far worse than the first (let me correct myself: a “man” would not treat a woman he claims to love in this way, he would treat her as though she were a queen). Home-cooked dinners were never good enough and sometimes would be either thrown on the floor for me to clean or thrown at me, the house was never good enough, the way I cared for my children was never good enough, if I wore nice clothes and put on makeup I was accused of other men. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing was good enough. I was not good enough. The way I breathed was not good enough. The fact that I didn’t participate in his illicit activities was not good enough.

After several years of living this life, I finally got the courage to say, “I will not let him control me anymore. I, and only I, am in control of my life.” When I got proof of one of his little flings, as I call them, the year before I took my life back, he actually had the audacity to tell me that he wanted her (pregnant at the time) and her three or four kids to move in. There was no way I was going to let this sleaze and her kids move in for me to take care of while they ran around doing whatever they wanted.  This was my final straw. I found the courage to tell him it wasn’t going to happen, which of course made him mad. It was at this point I began what my neighbor called “weaning myself” from the situation. I had been under his thumb for over a decade and had grown accustomed to the belittling and beatings.

One night, he didn’t come home and I was unable to contact him for an emergency with one of my children. I got the emergency taken care of myself that night. When he tried to come home the next afternoon, I would not let him in the house. When he tried to come through the back door, I greeted him by throwing his clothes by handfuls out of the upstairs window. I told him that he was never going to control my life again.

This was the moment that I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt as if I could breath again. Over the next several months, I grew stronger each day. My favorite song was A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Each time I listened to that song, I felt myself gain strength. Seven years later, when I feel myself falling, I listen to this song to remind me of what I have overcame and that I am a strong woman. No longer will I hide behind closed doors. No longer will I let him have control over me. I AM ME!!!

Some days I falter and feel weak. Sometimes people say things or look at me a certain way and I start to revert back to those days in my mind. This is not something that I want to happen, it just does. He still does things to try and control me and plays mind games through my children, and this often causes me to have a setback. I sometimes get panic attacks when I have to be in the same place as him because I have flashbacks of all the times he beat on and threatened me.

I am shaking inside and my heart is racing right now just thinking about it, but I have to tell my story. I am done being his victim. It is time for me to be me, permanently. Better days are in the future for my children and me. He will not reap the benefits of my success, nor will I allow him to take it away from me.

Ignorance is Bliss

It isn't easy dealing with my children's father. He is against everything I do with my children. He even goes as far as to talk them out of doing the things they love to do and have been doing for years, as well as the new things that they want to try. He says it is an "inconvenience" for him because he "has to travel", even though he is the one who chose to move just 45 minutes away. He wasn't in their life for 2-3 years, and all of a sudden he decided he wants to play daddy. That would be fine if he was supportive of them, but he and his wife try to undermine everything I have done to raise my boys properly.
To all of you single moms out there who have to deal with fathers like this, know that you are not alone. I had no idea that some of the people that I know have to do with this same issue.
Things have been terrible over the past 6 months dealing with him. He is cause scenes at sporting events and other extracurricular activities as well as injuring me. This is when I started talking to people to let them know that something was wrong and to keep an eye when he was around. I know that it's not their responsibility to "babysit" me, but I want witnesses for when something does happen. Yes, I said when not if. I was amazed how many said, "I understand." What shocked me was when this came from as many fathers as it did mothers.
I know it's difficult at times to even go out in public when you know you have to deal with your children's father when he is abusive and does what he can to make you look bad. It's embarrassing not only for you as a mother, but for your children is well. He should be embarrassed for his actions, but instead it is our innocent children who are embarrassed and eventually become withdrawn. As a loving mother, this makes my heart lead for my children who never asked to have to deal with this.
Please, whatever you do, do not let yourself get to the point that you let him have that control over you and your children. That is their goal.
Don't go through this alone. NEVER feel ashamed of raising your children to be the best they can be and being yourself.

Who I Am

I love my children, they are my entire world. They are my reason for getting up each morning. I am a football mom, band mom, scout mom, baseball mom, and school volunteer (feels like I'm missing something).
In my spare time (yes, that does happen occasionally), I like to read and listen to music. Music gets me through my difficult times. You didn't believe the ordeals that different songs have helped me get through. I prefer Country and 80's-90's Rock & Roll for the most part, but some of the newer music is growing on me. The song I listened to this afternoon was "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. This has been my go to for quite a few years now. It reminds me that each day things will get better and I will grow stronger.
I wish I could change some things from my past, but I know that isn't possible. For now, it's keep moving forward. Step by step, day by day. Don't be ashamed of crying. Sometimes that's the only way to get a little relief from whatever happened that day.