Beautiful Stormy Night in the Ohio Valley

There's nothing like a stormy summer night in the Ohio Valley. The sweet smell of rain fills the cool night air, flashes of lightning brighten the September night sky, and the sound of thunder is rumbling along the Ohio River.  It is so peaceful and serene. 

I remember when I was young, my mom, my sisters, and I would sit on the front porch and watch the storms, counting how long between the lightning flashes and the thunder to figure out his far away the lightning was. I can't begin to count how many times we jumped out of our skin because of how loud the thunder was and soon after the lightning. Oh, how I miss those days.

My mom always told me that the thunder was the Angels bowling in Heaven, and the big booms were when one bowled a strike. She also said that the pouring rain is an Angel's tears falling from Heaven fire someone they love. Now, I think of her every time there's a storm since she's become an Angel in Heaven watching over my family.

Now, I get to sit here with my two youngest children, watch the storms, and share some things with them that their grandmother they never got to meet shared with me as a child. It's the little moments like this that they will remember. (We'll discuss my homemade grill moment another time... haha).

Football Season Has Begun

My favorite time of year is finally here. It's now week 2 of the NFL Preseason and I get to watch my favorite team with two of my kiddos. The crazy thing is that tonight my team is playing the team that two of my sons like. We are die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fans in my family, but two claim to be Kansas City Chiefs fans. I think they've lost their minds.

It's funny because any other week of the season they're sitting right here with me cheering on the Steelers. That's all the proof I need that deep down they bleed Black & Gold just like the rest of the family.

It's been a sad week in Steelers Nation. Sunday, WR Coach Darryl Drake passed away. The team held a Moment of Silence before the game, and will wear "DD" stickers on their helmets this season in Coach Drake's honor. He was so much more than a coach to these men. Some considered him a mentor, and for others he was a friend or father figure. Football is family, and Coach Drake will definitely be missed.

Alright Steelers, play this one for Coach.

Let the Children be Children While They Can

How do you tell children that have been involved in multiple activities for several years that they are now unable to because their father’s wife doesn’t agree? The children are missing out because the father and his wife gave the children an ultimatum: participate in activities and miss out on time with them because the wife doesn’t want to go to the events, or not participate in the activities they enjoy so they don't miss out on visits. The father’s final decision was that one child could participate and the other one could not. There is no communication with the father without the wife interfering and making the final decision for him. The child who was told they could not participate made several attempts to call and text the father to ask why they couldn’t participate and never received a response. This resulted in the child crying and upset because they couldn’t understand why the father was being this way. The child couldn’t understand why the father said that one child could participate and the other one could not. The one who the father said could participate was feeling guilty and was going to not participate if the sibling couldn’t because “it wouldn’t be fair”. This wasn’t fair to the children to have to make these decisions and worry about consequences or hurting their siblings’ feelings by one who wants to participate having to sit and watch the other knowing they cannot. This left the mother find a way that would enable both children to participate and not conflict with the father’s visits. After talking with the board officials of the activities, both children were able to participate with the understanding that one of the children would not be able to participate when with the father. This made both children happy.

Sometimes adults need to grow up and realize that they are hurting the children in their attempts to make the mother look bad. In reality, they are making themselves look pathetic. Eventually, as the children get older, they will see what the father is doing and figure out why. Hopefully, when they come to this realization, they stand up for themselves and speak their voice. Until then, the children are being used as pawns in a game that they have no business participating in and that should not be going on. These games are only damaging to the mental and emotional health of the children. Sometimes a child will act out in various ways because of the circumstances, education will suffer and grades will drop because the children cannot concentrate, or they may become withdrawn from everything and everyone, thus leading to depression and anxiety. If you don’t want to be the reason your child suffers from mental health issues or becomes suicidal, don’t use your children to hurt their mother. The innocent children are the ones being punished by your feeble attempts to make the mother look bad. The mother is not being directly hurt by the father; it is the emotional state that the children are in that hurts her.

If you’re not going to grow up and be a supportive parent to your children and show them positivity and help them with things they like to do that will help them succeed in the future, take a step back and see what you’re doing to the children or step out and let them be happy. They are only young once and have no business dealing with adult issues even before they become teenagers. Let the children be free and happy. Be thankful that you are blessed with the opportunity to be a part of their lives. Support them in what they do instead of not allowing them to do these things because someone else won’t be enjoying themselves. It is about helping the children succeed, be there for them when they fall, love them for who they are and who they want to be, support them in their decisions, teach them how to make good decisions, and help them understand how to be a good person in this insane world filled with hatred. Don't show them how to hurt and manipulate people, how to get pleasure from another's pain, ignorance, deceit, how to lie, or hate. Show them love, support, and understanding. Don't make them feel afraid to pray when they're around you. Sometimes that conversation with God may be the only thing that makes the children feel safe and gets them through another day feeling positive. 

THEY’RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE!!!

I Knew My Mom Was Dying

I had a wonderful life growing up. My mom and I were close, I could talk to her about anything. As a single mom, she was taking care of my sisters and I, taking care of her parents, and dealing with her own personal struggles in life. She was always there for anyone who needed her. I was in high school when she got sick. After that, I held back a lot because I didn’t want to put more on her than she was already dealing with. I started helping out more with taking care of my family to ease the burden on her in hopes that she would be able to rest and get better. Things didn’t work out that way though.

Throughout the course of her illness, I found out things about my family that I never expected, and others that I was sort of waiting to get confirmation of. Most of those things I accepted easily because there was nothing that I could do about them or they didn’t affect me personally. For the most part, those things were far enough in the past that there was nothing to be done or there was nothing that needed to be done. Every family has a history, and I learned some parts of mine. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t deep, dark secrets that were never meant to be known. It was just personal things about family members that surprised me. The things I did find out about one certain family member did sort of surprise me, even though I had an inclination about some of these things. What amazed me the most was that this person denied the facts, even with the proof in front of them in black and white.

During my final year of high school, I had this premonition that my mom was going to leave me. I knew that she was doing her best to not let us see how sick she really was. She was doing her best to give us the best possible life she could, even with the circumstances being what they were. A lot of things happened, eventually leading to me leaving home around the time of my high school graduation.

When I left home, I moved in with my then-current boyfriend and his family. I felt like I was losing my mind and just had to get away from all of the pain I was feeling inside. Seeing my mom so sick was just killing me. I knew in my heart that I was going to lose her and I couldn’t bear the pain of knowing I would be living the rest of my life without her, that I would never be able to confide in her my fears, share my joys and triumphs, and that she would not be there to see my children grow up (I didn’t have children at that point, but prayed I would someday). I had no clue what I would do without her. I knew she didn’t want to leave us, but God apparently needed her for something bigger.

As time went by, she got worse. She suffered much longer than I had expected. There are days that I blamed myself because I left home. When I left home, I left my family behind as well. They wanted nothing to do with me once I left. Some even told me that it was my fault she was getting worse. There was only one person in my family who understood why I left when I did and the way I did. She understood all that I had been through, listened to me talk, and told me it was okay to cry. She was the one who, even before I became a teenager, seemed to understand me. She helped me realize that it wasn’t my fault that Mom got worse and that the inevitable was happening. This wonderful woman was my great-aunt.

Things Happen in Unexpected Places

Today went a little better than yesterday. This morning I woke myself crying uncontrollably in my sleep because of a dream I was having. After mentally calming myself down, the shaking began to subside. I made myself a cup of coffee and watched the news, then went about the things I had to do for the day. I was doing my best to not let things get to me today and succeeded for the most part.

After volunteering at my child’s school, I went home to help them with homework. Before going to Boy Scouts, I realized that we needed something from the store. Typically, I would go before going to Scouts, but my children and I didn’t make it out the door in time because we were finishing homework. On our way home, we stopped at the dollar store. This is where an unexpected incident happened.

I was waiting in line to check out. There was a gentleman in line who let another lady and myself go ahead of him. The lady in front of me was talking with the lady in front of her as well as the cashier, and I ended up in the conversation somehow. I had never seen these women before in my life. We started talking about a medical disorder, I said something about me having medical experience and understanding what they meant, and things just went from there. This is where I don’t understand how things went from one topic to another.

After both ladies had checked out, the lady immediately in front of me continued to talk. We talked about so much in just those few minutes. The lady introduced herself to me and asked what I currently do (for work). I told her that I am between jobs right now and doing freelance writing and other odd jobs. This is when she told me that she can connect me with someone who may be able to help me and told me to contact her. We talked for a few more minutes in the front of the store, and even through the parking lot as we were walking to our vehicles. The conversation went to various unrelated topics throughout those few short minutes. It was strange, but it felt as though it was meant to be.

I feel as though I was meant to go to that particular store this evening, as it is not a typical stop on my way home. She even made the same comment about it being meant for her as well. I can’t wait to call her tomorrow and see where this goes. I guess never underestimate an unexpected trip to the store because you just never know what will happen.

Searching for My Sanity

Today has been one of those days where I just felt like curling into a ball in the corner and crying all day. It has been difficult to stay strong in front of my boys, but I pulled it off somehow. Now that they’re in bed fast asleep, I can let the tears flow. There is so much running through my mind. I feel like a complete and total failure at everything I try to do. I feel like I am letting my boys down. I feel like I have lost myself in my journey, and I can’t seem to find my way back to the path I so desperately yearn to be on.

My children are forced to visit with their father, who abandoned them for several years. My teenage son, who is supposed to be living with his father, is instead living with his girlfriend because of his father’s wife. I lost more than one home because of my children’s abusive, controlling and conniving father and his family. I lost my job several months ago and have been living off of minimal unemployment and working odd jobs just to not even barely get by. My job search has not been going well at all, regardless of how hard I try. The debt just keeps piling up more and more as the days go by. I feel as though I can’t even afford to breathe.

I know that things will get better eventually. I just wish I could at least see a glimmer of light ahead instead of more turmoil and heartache. My boys have been involved in various extracurricular activities over the years, but this year I fear they won’t be able to participate because of my finances. I don’t know how to tell them without breaking their hearts, which will break mine even more. Their father does not help pay for any of their activities or schooling, nor does he approve of anything they choose to participate in (he calls my middle school son a “band geek”, and says that Boy Scouts is “not worth doing” for my elementary age son). He doesn’t even pay the child support he is ordered to pay. We were in court last summer for his lack of paying. He was given the opportunity to “purge” himself in lieu of being charged with contempt. Well, instead of him doing what he agreed to in court, he had the monthly child support reevaluated which end up being decreased and he is still not paying. My search for an attorney to help my family has proven fruitless because I cannot afford their fees (and none in my area do free consultations either). My local legal aid office claims they can’t help me because I am not the defendant. I just don’t know where to turn for help.

One day, I know that I will come out on top and leave all of this turmoil behind me. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I want to get ahead in life and be able to provide for my children instead of having to pull them from their activities because of my finances. I want to be able to help them through college so they aren’t buried in student loan debt.

I keep trying to stay positive, but that is getting more and more difficult as the days go by. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to leave the house, and I don’t even want to be around myself because of my mood swings. I try not to lash out at those around me. Most of the time it is best for me to just say nothing at all so I don’t say the wrong thing and hurt those around me that I love and would give my life for.

I know this post is all over the place, but that’s just how my mind is at the moment. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong and think that I am going to do something foolish because I would never dream of it. My children need me in their lives. I know that there is a reason for me to be on this earth and that I am going through all of this right now to give me strength and test my will (not sure how much more testing of strength and will is needed though).

Tomorrow is new day, hopefully a happy one instead of me being in tears. My goal is to do something good for someone and make them smile. That, in itself, will do my heart some good, even if just for a little while.

It's Christmas Time Again

Christmas is here once again, but I just can't find my spirit this year. It's getting more difficult each day to put smile and act as though I'm alright. I wake up, I cry. In the middle of the day for no apparent reason, I cry. I lay down at night, I cry. I am missing so much in my life and there's nothing I can do to get it back. I just want one more Christmas hug from my Mom. Twenty plus years later and it STILL gets the best of me at times. I guess that's because a mother's love never dies, it just comes from Heaven.
So many loved ones in heaven, but it's my mom I miss the most today. I'm so tired of people saying that I'll get over it with time. Losing her is something I will NEVER get over. So many unresolved issues, so much left unsaid and undone, so much I wish I would have listened to, but I had dealt with so much already. I was already lonely because I knew I was losing her too. No, I can't go back in time and change anything. No, nothing I can do will bring back those lost moments we should have had together. I know all of this. This year it's just tearing me up something awful for some reason and I have absolutely no idea why.
If I could have just one hour with my Mom for Christmas, there is so much I would say and do. I would hug her and tell her how much I love her. I would show her pictures of and tell get all about her grandsons which she never got to meet. I would thank her for all she ever did for me. I would give her the best gift I could find.
My children know why Mommy gets sad this time of year and they do their best to make me smile. I love them for being the caring boys they have become, even after all they have been through. I know that my Mom had been with me, feeling me guide them in the right direction. I can't thank her enough for that.
MERRY CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, MOM! I LOVE YOU💖