Things Happen in Unexpected Places

Today went a little better than yesterday. This morning I woke myself crying uncontrollably in my sleep because of a dream I was having. After mentally calming myself down, the shaking began to subside. I made myself a cup of coffee and watched the news, then went about the things I had to do for the day. I was doing my best to not let things get to me today and succeeded for the most part.

After volunteering at my child’s school, I went home to help them with homework. Before going to Boy Scouts, I realized that we needed something from the store. Typically, I would go before going to Scouts, but my children and I didn’t make it out the door in time because we were finishing homework. On our way home, we stopped at the dollar store. This is where an unexpected incident happened.

I was waiting in line to check out. There was a gentleman in line who let another lady and myself go ahead of him. The lady in front of me was talking with the lady in front of her as well as the cashier, and I ended up in the conversation somehow. I had never seen these women before in my life. We started talking about a medical disorder, I said something about me having medical experience and understanding what they meant, and things just went from there. This is where I don’t understand how things went from one topic to another.

After both ladies had checked out, the lady immediately in front of me continued to talk. We talked about so much in just those few minutes. The lady introduced herself to me and asked what I currently do (for work). I told her that I am between jobs right now and doing freelance writing and other odd jobs. This is when she told me that she can connect me with someone who may be able to help me and told me to contact her. We talked for a few more minutes in the front of the store, and even through the parking lot as we were walking to our vehicles. The conversation went to various unrelated topics throughout those few short minutes. It was strange, but it felt as though it was meant to be.

I feel as though I was meant to go to that particular store this evening, as it is not a typical stop on my way home. She even made the same comment about it being meant for her as well. I can’t wait to call her tomorrow and see where this goes. I guess never underestimate an unexpected trip to the store because you just never know what will happen.

Better Days Ahead

There are days where I don’t want to leave the house because I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I endured years of being belittled by someone that claimed to love me, being used as his personal punching bag (literally), and being threatened that anything I ever tried to do to better myself he would be there to tear me apart. I let not one man get away with this, but two, the second being far worse than the first (let me correct myself: a “man” would not treat a woman he claims to love in this way, he would treat her as though she were a queen). Home-cooked dinners were never good enough and sometimes would be either thrown on the floor for me to clean or thrown at me, the house was never good enough, the way I cared for my children was never good enough, if I wore nice clothes and put on makeup I was accused of other men. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing was good enough. I was not good enough. The way I breathed was not good enough. The fact that I didn’t participate in his illicit activities was not good enough.

After several years of living this life, I finally got the courage to say, “I will not let him control me anymore. I, and only I, am in control of my life.” When I got proof of one of his little flings, as I call them, the year before I took my life back, he actually had the audacity to tell me that he wanted her (pregnant at the time) and her three or four kids to move in. There was no way I was going to let this sleaze and her kids move in for me to take care of while they ran around doing whatever they wanted.  This was my final straw. I found the courage to tell him it wasn’t going to happen, which of course made him mad. It was at this point I began what my neighbor called “weaning myself” from the situation. I had been under his thumb for over a decade and had grown accustomed to the belittling and beatings.

One night, he didn’t come home and I was unable to contact him for an emergency with one of my children. I got the emergency taken care of myself that night. When he tried to come home the next afternoon, I would not let him in the house. When he tried to come through the back door, I greeted him by throwing his clothes by handfuls out of the upstairs window. I told him that he was never going to control my life again.

This was the moment that I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt as if I could breath again. Over the next several months, I grew stronger each day. My favorite song was A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Each time I listened to that song, I felt myself gain strength. Seven years later, when I feel myself falling, I listen to this song to remind me of what I have overcame and that I am a strong woman. No longer will I hide behind closed doors. No longer will I let him have control over me. I AM ME!!!

Some days I falter and feel weak. Sometimes people say things or look at me a certain way and I start to revert back to those days in my mind. This is not something that I want to happen, it just does. He still does things to try and control me and plays mind games through my children, and this often causes me to have a setback. I sometimes get panic attacks when I have to be in the same place as him because I have flashbacks of all the times he beat on and threatened me.

I am shaking inside and my heart is racing right now just thinking about it, but I have to tell my story. I am done being his victim. It is time for me to be me, permanently. Better days are in the future for my children and me. He will not reap the benefits of my success, nor will I allow him to take it away from me.

Who I Am

I love my children, they are my entire world. They are my reason for getting up each morning. I am a football mom, band mom, scout mom, baseball mom, and school volunteer (feels like I'm missing something).
In my spare time (yes, that does happen occasionally), I like to read and listen to music. Music gets me through my difficult times. You didn't believe the ordeals that different songs have helped me get through. I prefer Country and 80's-90's Rock & Roll for the most part, but some of the newer music is growing on me. The song I listened to this afternoon was "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. This has been my go to for quite a few years now. It reminds me that each day things will get better and I will grow stronger.
I wish I could change some things from my past, but I know that isn't possible. For now, it's keep moving forward. Step by step, day by day. Don't be ashamed of crying. Sometimes that's the only way to get a little relief from whatever happened that day.