Let the Children be Children While They Can

How do you tell children that have been involved in multiple activities for several years that they are now unable to because their father’s wife doesn’t agree? The children are missing out because the father and his wife gave the children an ultimatum: participate in activities and miss out on time with them because the wife doesn’t want to go to the events, or not participate in the activities they enjoy so they don't miss out on visits. The father’s final decision was that one child could participate and the other one could not. There is no communication with the father without the wife interfering and making the final decision for him. The child who was told they could not participate made several attempts to call and text the father to ask why they couldn’t participate and never received a response. This resulted in the child crying and upset because they couldn’t understand why the father was being this way. The child couldn’t understand why the father said that one child could participate and the other one could not. The one who the father said could participate was feeling guilty and was going to not participate if the sibling couldn’t because “it wouldn’t be fair”. This wasn’t fair to the children to have to make these decisions and worry about consequences or hurting their siblings’ feelings by one who wants to participate having to sit and watch the other knowing they cannot. This left the mother find a way that would enable both children to participate and not conflict with the father’s visits. After talking with the board officials of the activities, both children were able to participate with the understanding that one of the children would not be able to participate when with the father. This made both children happy.

Sometimes adults need to grow up and realize that they are hurting the children in their attempts to make the mother look bad. In reality, they are making themselves look pathetic. Eventually, as the children get older, they will see what the father is doing and figure out why. Hopefully, when they come to this realization, they stand up for themselves and speak their voice. Until then, the children are being used as pawns in a game that they have no business participating in and that should not be going on. These games are only damaging to the mental and emotional health of the children. Sometimes a child will act out in various ways because of the circumstances, education will suffer and grades will drop because the children cannot concentrate, or they may become withdrawn from everything and everyone, thus leading to depression and anxiety. If you don’t want to be the reason your child suffers from mental health issues or becomes suicidal, don’t use your children to hurt their mother. The innocent children are the ones being punished by your feeble attempts to make the mother look bad. The mother is not being directly hurt by the father; it is the emotional state that the children are in that hurts her.

If you’re not going to grow up and be a supportive parent to your children and show them positivity and help them with things they like to do that will help them succeed in the future, take a step back and see what you’re doing to the children or step out and let them be happy. They are only young once and have no business dealing with adult issues even before they become teenagers. Let the children be free and happy. Be thankful that you are blessed with the opportunity to be a part of their lives. Support them in what they do instead of not allowing them to do these things because someone else won’t be enjoying themselves. It is about helping the children succeed, be there for them when they fall, love them for who they are and who they want to be, support them in their decisions, teach them how to make good decisions, and help them understand how to be a good person in this insane world filled with hatred. Don't show them how to hurt and manipulate people, how to get pleasure from another's pain, ignorance, deceit, how to lie, or hate. Show them love, support, and understanding. Don't make them feel afraid to pray when they're around you. Sometimes that conversation with God may be the only thing that makes the children feel safe and gets them through another day feeling positive. 

THEY’RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE!!!

Searching for My Sanity

Today has been one of those days where I just felt like curling into a ball in the corner and crying all day. It has been difficult to stay strong in front of my boys, but I pulled it off somehow. Now that they’re in bed fast asleep, I can let the tears flow. There is so much running through my mind. I feel like a complete and total failure at everything I try to do. I feel like I am letting my boys down. I feel like I have lost myself in my journey, and I can’t seem to find my way back to the path I so desperately yearn to be on.

My children are forced to visit with their father, who abandoned them for several years. My teenage son, who is supposed to be living with his father, is instead living with his girlfriend because of his father’s wife. I lost more than one home because of my children’s abusive, controlling and conniving father and his family. I lost my job several months ago and have been living off of minimal unemployment and working odd jobs just to not even barely get by. My job search has not been going well at all, regardless of how hard I try. The debt just keeps piling up more and more as the days go by. I feel as though I can’t even afford to breathe.

I know that things will get better eventually. I just wish I could at least see a glimmer of light ahead instead of more turmoil and heartache. My boys have been involved in various extracurricular activities over the years, but this year I fear they won’t be able to participate because of my finances. I don’t know how to tell them without breaking their hearts, which will break mine even more. Their father does not help pay for any of their activities or schooling, nor does he approve of anything they choose to participate in (he calls my middle school son a “band geek”, and says that Boy Scouts is “not worth doing” for my elementary age son). He doesn’t even pay the child support he is ordered to pay. We were in court last summer for his lack of paying. He was given the opportunity to “purge” himself in lieu of being charged with contempt. Well, instead of him doing what he agreed to in court, he had the monthly child support reevaluated which end up being decreased and he is still not paying. My search for an attorney to help my family has proven fruitless because I cannot afford their fees (and none in my area do free consultations either). My local legal aid office claims they can’t help me because I am not the defendant. I just don’t know where to turn for help.

One day, I know that I will come out on top and leave all of this turmoil behind me. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I want to get ahead in life and be able to provide for my children instead of having to pull them from their activities because of my finances. I want to be able to help them through college so they aren’t buried in student loan debt.

I keep trying to stay positive, but that is getting more and more difficult as the days go by. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to leave the house, and I don’t even want to be around myself because of my mood swings. I try not to lash out at those around me. Most of the time it is best for me to just say nothing at all so I don’t say the wrong thing and hurt those around me that I love and would give my life for.

I know this post is all over the place, but that’s just how my mind is at the moment. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong and think that I am going to do something foolish because I would never dream of it. My children need me in their lives. I know that there is a reason for me to be on this earth and that I am going through all of this right now to give me strength and test my will (not sure how much more testing of strength and will is needed though).

Tomorrow is new day, hopefully a happy one instead of me being in tears. My goal is to do something good for someone and make them smile. That, in itself, will do my heart some good, even if just for a little while.

Better Days Ahead

There are days where I don’t want to leave the house because I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I endured years of being belittled by someone that claimed to love me, being used as his personal punching bag (literally), and being threatened that anything I ever tried to do to better myself he would be there to tear me apart. I let not one man get away with this, but two, the second being far worse than the first (let me correct myself: a “man” would not treat a woman he claims to love in this way, he would treat her as though she were a queen). Home-cooked dinners were never good enough and sometimes would be either thrown on the floor for me to clean or thrown at me, the house was never good enough, the way I cared for my children was never good enough, if I wore nice clothes and put on makeup I was accused of other men. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing was good enough. I was not good enough. The way I breathed was not good enough. The fact that I didn’t participate in his illicit activities was not good enough.

After several years of living this life, I finally got the courage to say, “I will not let him control me anymore. I, and only I, am in control of my life.” When I got proof of one of his little flings, as I call them, the year before I took my life back, he actually had the audacity to tell me that he wanted her (pregnant at the time) and her three or four kids to move in. There was no way I was going to let this sleaze and her kids move in for me to take care of while they ran around doing whatever they wanted.  This was my final straw. I found the courage to tell him it wasn’t going to happen, which of course made him mad. It was at this point I began what my neighbor called “weaning myself” from the situation. I had been under his thumb for over a decade and had grown accustomed to the belittling and beatings.

One night, he didn’t come home and I was unable to contact him for an emergency with one of my children. I got the emergency taken care of myself that night. When he tried to come home the next afternoon, I would not let him in the house. When he tried to come through the back door, I greeted him by throwing his clothes by handfuls out of the upstairs window. I told him that he was never going to control my life again.

This was the moment that I felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt as if I could breath again. Over the next several months, I grew stronger each day. My favorite song was A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Each time I listened to that song, I felt myself gain strength. Seven years later, when I feel myself falling, I listen to this song to remind me of what I have overcame and that I am a strong woman. No longer will I hide behind closed doors. No longer will I let him have control over me. I AM ME!!!

Some days I falter and feel weak. Sometimes people say things or look at me a certain way and I start to revert back to those days in my mind. This is not something that I want to happen, it just does. He still does things to try and control me and plays mind games through my children, and this often causes me to have a setback. I sometimes get panic attacks when I have to be in the same place as him because I have flashbacks of all the times he beat on and threatened me.

I am shaking inside and my heart is racing right now just thinking about it, but I have to tell my story. I am done being his victim. It is time for me to be me, permanently. Better days are in the future for my children and me. He will not reap the benefits of my success, nor will I allow him to take it away from me.