I Knew My Mom Was Dying

I had a wonderful life growing up. My mom and I were close, I could talk to her about anything. As a single mom, she was taking care of my sisters and I, taking care of her parents, and dealing with her own personal struggles in life. She was always there for anyone who needed her. I was in high school when she got sick. After that, I held back a lot because I didn’t want to put more on her than she was already dealing with. I started helping out more with taking care of my family to ease the burden on her in hopes that she would be able to rest and get better. Things didn’t work out that way though.

Throughout the course of her illness, I found out things about my family that I never expected, and others that I was sort of waiting to get confirmation of. Most of those things I accepted easily because there was nothing that I could do about them or they didn’t affect me personally. For the most part, those things were far enough in the past that there was nothing to be done or there was nothing that needed to be done. Every family has a history, and I learned some parts of mine. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t deep, dark secrets that were never meant to be known. It was just personal things about family members that surprised me. The things I did find out about one certain family member did sort of surprise me, even though I had an inclination about some of these things. What amazed me the most was that this person denied the facts, even with the proof in front of them in black and white.

During my final year of high school, I had this premonition that my mom was going to leave me. I knew that she was doing her best to not let us see how sick she really was. She was doing her best to give us the best possible life she could, even with the circumstances being what they were. A lot of things happened, eventually leading to me leaving home around the time of my high school graduation.

When I left home, I moved in with my then-current boyfriend and his family. I felt like I was losing my mind and just had to get away from all of the pain I was feeling inside. Seeing my mom so sick was just killing me. I knew in my heart that I was going to lose her and I couldn’t bear the pain of knowing I would be living the rest of my life without her, that I would never be able to confide in her my fears, share my joys and triumphs, and that she would not be there to see my children grow up (I didn’t have children at that point, but prayed I would someday). I had no clue what I would do without her. I knew she didn’t want to leave us, but God apparently needed her for something bigger.

As time went by, she got worse. She suffered much longer than I had expected. There are days that I blamed myself because I left home. When I left home, I left my family behind as well. They wanted nothing to do with me once I left. Some even told me that it was my fault she was getting worse. There was only one person in my family who understood why I left when I did and the way I did. She understood all that I had been through, listened to me talk, and told me it was okay to cry. She was the one who, even before I became a teenager, seemed to understand me. She helped me realize that it wasn’t my fault that Mom got worse and that the inevitable was happening. This wonderful woman was my great-aunt.

Searching for My Sanity

Today has been one of those days where I just felt like curling into a ball in the corner and crying all day. It has been difficult to stay strong in front of my boys, but I pulled it off somehow. Now that they’re in bed fast asleep, I can let the tears flow. There is so much running through my mind. I feel like a complete and total failure at everything I try to do. I feel like I am letting my boys down. I feel like I have lost myself in my journey, and I can’t seem to find my way back to the path I so desperately yearn to be on.

My children are forced to visit with their father, who abandoned them for several years. My teenage son, who is supposed to be living with his father, is instead living with his girlfriend because of his father’s wife. I lost more than one home because of my children’s abusive, controlling and conniving father and his family. I lost my job several months ago and have been living off of minimal unemployment and working odd jobs just to not even barely get by. My job search has not been going well at all, regardless of how hard I try. The debt just keeps piling up more and more as the days go by. I feel as though I can’t even afford to breathe.

I know that things will get better eventually. I just wish I could at least see a glimmer of light ahead instead of more turmoil and heartache. My boys have been involved in various extracurricular activities over the years, but this year I fear they won’t be able to participate because of my finances. I don’t know how to tell them without breaking their hearts, which will break mine even more. Their father does not help pay for any of their activities or schooling, nor does he approve of anything they choose to participate in (he calls my middle school son a “band geek”, and says that Boy Scouts is “not worth doing” for my elementary age son). He doesn’t even pay the child support he is ordered to pay. We were in court last summer for his lack of paying. He was given the opportunity to “purge” himself in lieu of being charged with contempt. Well, instead of him doing what he agreed to in court, he had the monthly child support reevaluated which end up being decreased and he is still not paying. My search for an attorney to help my family has proven fruitless because I cannot afford their fees (and none in my area do free consultations either). My local legal aid office claims they can’t help me because I am not the defendant. I just don’t know where to turn for help.

One day, I know that I will come out on top and leave all of this turmoil behind me. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I want to get ahead in life and be able to provide for my children instead of having to pull them from their activities because of my finances. I want to be able to help them through college so they aren’t buried in student loan debt.

I keep trying to stay positive, but that is getting more and more difficult as the days go by. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to leave the house, and I don’t even want to be around myself because of my mood swings. I try not to lash out at those around me. Most of the time it is best for me to just say nothing at all so I don’t say the wrong thing and hurt those around me that I love and would give my life for.

I know this post is all over the place, but that’s just how my mind is at the moment. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong and think that I am going to do something foolish because I would never dream of it. My children need me in their lives. I know that there is a reason for me to be on this earth and that I am going through all of this right now to give me strength and test my will (not sure how much more testing of strength and will is needed though).

Tomorrow is new day, hopefully a happy one instead of me being in tears. My goal is to do something good for someone and make them smile. That, in itself, will do my heart some good, even if just for a little while.